Emmett Goes Hunting
by podex carmen
Summary: Emmett finds the biggest bear he ever saw and learns the danger of biting off more than he can chew. Or not.


Emmett Goes Hunting

**Disclaimer: Let me check my wallet. Wait…ah yes. It's empty. That means I am not a best selling author, and these characters are not mine.**

_If you eat the bear, well then, you be a man; If the bear eats you, well then… Anonymous_

_Oh yeah, _thought Emmett, practically licking his chops, _Yeah, that's the biggest grizzly I've ever seen._

He circled the bear, getting closer. The bear watched him warily, not used to being prey itself. "This is gonna be fun!" said Emmett out loud.

"Yeah, lots," said Rosalie in a bored voice, from her perch up a nearby tree. "Can't you just drain him and be done with it? Why do you have to play with your food?"

"I don't get chances like this often," Emmett explained. "You know I like a good workout."

"If you hurry up," said Rosalie in a sultry voice. "I'll give you a _real_ workout."

Emmett caught the implications in her voice. Suddenly he wasn't so interested in playing with the bear. "Right!" he said, and with that he rushed the bear. The bear's claws tore at his clothes, but bounced ineffectually off his skin. Emmett grabbed the great bear's fur and pulled himself close enough to sink his teeth into the bear's neck. He pulled back to spit out a mouthful of fur, went for the neck again, and began drinking. The bear's paws pounded against him in rage, but the pounding was growing weaker by the minute. Emmett drank his fill, and was surprised that the bear was still alive, though fading fast.

"Whoa," said Emmett. "I'm full. I couldn't take another drop. You want some?"

"No," said Rosalie. "I've eaten. Besides, last time I had bear I chipped a nail, and it took forever to get the smell out of my hair." She dropped down from her branch and sauntered over to Emmett. "Now, are you ready for some real fun?" she said, playing with the front of his shirt.

"Lead the way, baby," said Emmett. With that Rosalie ran off, her playful laugh echoing back through the trees. Emmett whistled as he watched her go, then took off after her, leaving the bear, still quivering on the ground, dying.

Moments later they were back home, laughing as they went in. Emmett kept trying to catch Rosalie, but she'd slip through his grasp, laughing as she made her way to the stairs. Neither noticed Carlisle sitting in the front room, reading.

"How was the hunting tonight?" Carlisle called out.

"Oh, uh, hi Carlisle," said Emmett in a hurry. "Hunting was good. Had the biggest bear I ever saw tonight." He turned from Carlisle. Rosalie was halfway up the stairs, waiting for him.

"Really," said Carlisle, oblivious. "How big was it?"

"Um," said Emmett, looking at Rosalie and hating every microsecond of delay. "So big I couldn't drain it completely." He put his foot on the stairs.

"Oh, so you had to break its neck, did you?"

Emmett stopped. What did this matter? "Well no, actually, but I drained enough that it wouldn't live long. I'm sure it wasn't in any pain." He put his foot back on the stairs. Rosalie was waiting impatiently now.

"Stop," said Carlisle in a deadly serious voice. He put down his book and walked over to Emmett purposefully. "Do you mean to tell me that you left a half dead bear out there _full of your venom?_"

"Come on Carlisle, it's not as if our venom will work on _bears,_" scoffed Emmett. "Is it?"

Carlisle just looked at him.

"Is it?" repeated Emmett, suddenly forgetting about Rosalie as a cold feeling began to spread up his spine. Just then, the vampires in the house could hear a distant roar in the forest.

Carlisle nodded. "It is." he said. "It's rare, but our venom can work on any mammal, and unless you want a new top predator in this area, I suggest you go out there right now and finish off this bear."

"But Carlisle…" said Emmett. He began pointing at himself and the Rosalie and back again, tying to make Carlisle comprehend.

"This is more important, son," said Carlisle. "Now get out there and finish your job. I'll send Jasper along as soon as he and Alice come back to help you if you need it."

With a sigh, Emmett turned away from the stairs and began to slouch his way towards the door.

"Take some matches with you," said Carlisle. "You should make a fire, just to be sure."

"I'll take care of it," grumbled Emmett. He called up the stairs to Rosalie. "I'll be back soon, baby. It won't take long to find a mostly dead bear stuck in transformation." And with that, he went out the door.

**

"I can't believe you couldn't find a mostly dead bear stuck in transformation," said Carlisle a few days later.

"I followed the trail," said Emmett. "He crawled to the river and fell in. I went up and down both banks of the river. He never came out. He must be dead."

Just then, right on cue, a great roar echoed through the forest. Emmett buried his head in his hands.

"Chipmunks," said Carlisle. "From now on you eat chipmunks. That way, if you turn any of them into vampires we'll only have to stomp on the little things."

"C'mon, Carlisle," said Emmett. "What's the worst it can do? I'm tougher than anything out there."

"Emmett," said Carlisle slowly, rubbing his temples as though he had a headache. "We're stronger and faster than ordinary humans. The transformation makes us so. What do you think will happen when a bear, which is, after all, much stronger and faster than an ordinary human to begin with, gets transformed?"

"You mean it'll be really strong?" said Emmett, his head snapping up and his eyes glowing. "Sweet! A sparring partner!" With that he rushed out of the house into the forest.

"No, Emmett! Stay Emmett! Bad Emmett!" called Carlisle after Emmett's retreating form. But it was too late. Emmett was already gone. "I've seen trams smarter than that boy," muttered Carlisle under his breath.

Esme came up behind Carlisle, as he stood in the doorway looking out after Emmett. She wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her chin on his shoulder. "Relax, dear," she said in a soothing voice. "What's the worst that can happen? It bites other bears and starts its own coven? Mates and creates hybrids? What are the odds of that happening?"

Before Carlisle could answer the front door banged open and Alice rushed in. "Carlisle, I've just had the weirdest vision! You won't believe it!"

Carlisle rubbed his temples again. That headache was getting worse. "Did your vision, by any chance, involve bears?"

"Yes," said Alice, perplexed. "How did you guess?"

"Just lucky," said Carlisle. "So, what's your vision?"

"I saw bears taking over the world," said Alice.

"Perfect," said Carlisle. "Just perfect."

"But how is it possible for me to even have this vision?" asked Alice. "I don't see animals. Just humans and vampires."

"What about a vampire bear?' asked Carlisle.

"That's impossible," said Alice. "Isn't it?"

"It's not easy or common, but Emmett seems to have climbed that mountain," said Esme.

"What do we do?" asked Jasper.

"We're going to need some help," said Carlisle. "Esme, go warn Charlie that there's something dangerous in the woods, and keep the humans out. Alice, Jasper, we need someone to warn the werewolves."

"You want us to go and tell the werewolves that there's a vampire bear loose in their forest? They're going to love that," said Jasper. "Why don't you send Bella and Renesmee instead? The wolves won't rip _them_ to shreds."

"Hmm," said Carlisle thoughtfully. "That's a good point."

**

Emmett was not the first to find the bear. That honour went to a pair of poachers roaming the forests to the north of Forks. "Look over there," said Rosencrantz to Guildenstern "That's a big one."

"Hurry up and shoot him," said Guidenstern

"Don't rush me," said Rosencrantz as he peered through his scope. "Hmm; that's odd."

"What is?"

"The bear. He's all sparkly."

"He probably rolled in something," said Guildenstern. "Hurry up and shoot him so we can yank out his spleen."

Rosencrantz squeezed the trigger. "There," he said. "Right in the head. What the…?"

"Now what?"

"He didn't shake himself. He's still standing."

"You must have missed," said Guildenstern. "Shoot him again before he runs off."

"I never miss," grumbled Rosencrantz as he lined up for another shot. "Wha…? Where did he go?"

"What do you mean, 'where did he go?'" Said Guildenstern, his patience wearing thin.

"He's gone. One second he's looking in our direction, and the next there's a blur and he's gone."

Guildenstern was about to respond, when suddenly he felt prickles running up and down his spine. "You ever feel you're being watched?" he asked slowly.

The last thing they heard was a low growl.

**

Emmett found the bear a little later. He and the bear began circling each other, as they had the night Emmett had bit him. "Alright, bear," said Emmett. "It's you and me, mano e mano." He bared his teeth in a wicked grin at the bear. The bear showed his teeth. Emmett closed in for a fight. _This is really going to be fun,_ thought Emmett.

**

Edward and Bella were walking from their cottage towards the Cullen house, Renesmee in between them when they heard a distant boom in the forest. "I didn't know they were playing baseball today," said Edward, puzzled.

"I don't think they are," said Bella. "Carlisle, Jasper and Alice are coming toward us."

"Hmm," said Edward. "Their thoughts make no sense. They're thinking about bears and vampires."

"What's that sound?" said Bella. Looking up, she spotted a distant speck high in the sky. "It's coming from that thing up there. What is it? It's not a bird, or a plane, it's… "

"Emmett, " said Carlisle. He too was looking up and watching the tiny spot flying overhead.

"That's interesting," said Jasper.

"What is?" said Alice.

"Emmett screams like a girl," said Jasper. "Who knew?"

"Rosalie, perhaps?" said Alice.

"What's he doing up there?" asked Edward.

"Judging from the sonic boom we heard a moment ago," said Carlisle. "I'd say he's doing about Mach 1.5"

"Emmett can fly?" asked Bella. They were all watching Emmett's course across the sky.

"I hope so," said Carlisle. "It'll make his landing easier."

"Carlisle, we have to do something!" said Edward. "We can't just let him crash."

"I'm open to suggestions," said Carlisle. Emmett was getting out of sight. "Why don't you chase after him, see if you can find him and help him when he's down?"

"Looks like he's heading out to sea," said Jasper.

"Perfect," said Carlisle. He turned to Edward and Bella. "Here's the short version. Emmett bit a bear and didn't make sure it was dead. Now there's a vampire grizzly bear out there."

"No," said Edward. "I don't believe it. We're all in danger again." He turned to Bella and Renesmee. "You're in danger again because you're close to me and my family. I can't keep putting you in danger. You have to leave. I have to leave."

Bella looked at Edward with a bored expression. "Must you always do this? Hello, I'm a vampire. She's a half vampire. You remember that? You remember me telling you constantly that I-can't-live-without-you, without-you-I'm-nothing? Sound familiar?" Edward nodded. "Then stop being a wuss and grow a pair."

"Bella's right, Edward," said Carlisle. This is not the time. We have to act fast, before the Volturi find out."

"What do the Volturi have to do with this?" asked Alice.

"Everything," said Carlisle. "But first, Edward, go chase Emmett and keep him out of trouble. He may be hurt and need your help." Edward nodded and ran off. "Now Alice, the Volturi have only one law. Keep vampires secret. We human vampires can mix fairly easily with the humans, but I think people will notice a vampire grizzly roaming around, and since this grizzly is practically in our backyard, the Volturi will know we're behind it and have a reason to kill us… again, for the…er… how many times will this make it?"

"What do we do?" asked Bella.

"We need you and Renesmee to find Jacob and warn the werewolves about the bear. They may be better able to handle the bear than we."

"We're vampires. Can't we handle a vampire bear?" asked Bella.

"No more than ordinary humans can handle an ordinary bear. We need help."

"We'll go," said Bella. "At least we know the Werewolves wont rip us to shreds."

**

"Do I have this right?" asked Jacob. "A vampire bear?"

"Yes," said Bella. Bella and Renesmee had found Jacob's pack in the forest near the boundary between Cullen land and the reservation. She had already explained four times.

"A bear? Weren't ordinary vampires bad enough? You felt you had to branch out and start an inter-species franchise?"

"I told you, it was an accident," said Bella.

"Actually, this explains what was going on the last few days," said Seth suddenly. Jacob glared at him.

"There's been an explosion in the werewolf population. About a third of the men on the reserve are now werewolves," said Jacob.

"Jacob," said Bella, pleading. "We're no match for the bear. We're all in danger. The reserve is in danger. Renesmee is in danger. You're our best hope."

That worked. Jacob turned to Leah who had remained silent the entire time. "Leah, go find Sam. Warn his pack. Get them mobilized. Seth and I will go and start tracking the bear."

"You're not going to fight the bear alone?" said Leah.

"'Course not," said Jacob. "Do I look that stupid? We're just going to keep an eye on it until Sam and the rest arrive."

**

"Ah! The pain!" screamed Jacob as he writhed on an examination table at the Cullen's house. "The painfully painful pain!"

"Hold still, Jacob," said Carlisle. "Your bones have started to heal without being set properly, and I have to break some to set them properly."

"How many bones?' said Jacob.

"Judging from your x-ray," said Carlisle, glancing over. "All of them."

"Wonderful," said Jacob.

"You're still better off than Seth," said Carlisle.

"How is he?" asked Leah, who was standing by Jacob's bed.

"I've reattached his limbs, with his werewolf healing ability, he should be alright in a few weeks."

"What were you thinking?" Leah snarled at Jacob. "You weren't supposed to attack!"

"We didn't attack!' said Jacob. "The bear attacked us! I've never seen anything move so fast…OW!"

"Sorry," said Carlisle. "I would give you some painkillers, but with your werewolf metabolism they would have no effect."

"Great," said Jacob. "Just great."

"You could try and deal with the pain mentally," suggested Carlisle. "You know, your people used to undergo rituals which caused them great pain, believing that by enduring they would prove themselves men, gain power and even be granted visions into the future."

"Don't talk to me about my ancestors," said Jacob through gritted teeth. "If my ancestors were so darn smart, how come they let you clowns go hunting on their land? What were they thinking?"

"If they hadn't let the Cullens onto their land," said Bella, who had been standing nearby, tending to Seth. "You never would have met Renesmee."

Jacob muttered sottovoce, "If it wasn't for the Cullens, I wouldn't have become a werewolf and I wouldn't have imprinted on your daughter, and you and I would probably be together."

Bella smiled. "So you admit it: I'm right?" she said sweetly.

Jacob glared at her, and changed the subject. "Leah, go and see how Sam and the others are doing."

Leah turned and left the room. Just as she was leaving, Rosalie walked in. She made a face at the sight of Jacob. "I thought I smelled dog," she said.

"Really? That's odd," said Jacob. "The only thing I can smell over here is BITCH!"

Rosalie sniffed and left the room. Bella went over to Jacob. "Good one," she said.

"Why, thank you," said Jacob.

"Did you come up with it on the spur of the moment, or did you work it out a while ago, and were just waiting for the chance to use it?"

"I've been saving it," admitted Jacob. "Waiting for the right moment…. AAAAHHH!"

"Sorry again," said Carlisle.

"You know," said Jacob. "I think you're right about the pain, Carlisle. I'm getting a vision. I can see the future. I can see it so clearly."

"Really?" said Carlisle. "What do you see?"

"I see me…killing Emmett," said Jacob. "That's what's going to happen. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kill Emmett. I'm going to kill that…him…AAAAHHH!"

"Did I hear someone call for Emmett?" said a voice by the door. It was Edward, soaked to the bone. Bella ran to him and hugged him tight. Behind Edward, also soaked and looking somewhat the worse for wear, was Emmett.

"I'm back," said Emmett. "Anything happen while I was gone?"

"Oh. Nothing much," said Jacob. "Just your progeny running amok, you idiot. Lord knows how many of us are going to have to die before we can stop that monstrosity."

"Actually, the number is zero," said another voice from the door. It was Sam walking in this time. "We-that is, my pack- took down the bear. The problem is over."

"Was anyone hurt?" asked Jacob and Carlisle together.

"One of the pups got a nasty scratch, but he's already healed," said Sam blandly.

"That's amazing," said Carlisle.

"Not really," said Sam, shrugging. "All it took was a real wolf pack under a proper Alpha." Jacob growled from the examination table. Sam ignored him. "But that's not why I'm here, Carlisle."

"Oh?" said Carlisle. "Why are you here?"

"I'm here to say the treaty has been broken, and it is time you and your vampires left, or the pack will destroy you," said Sam cheerfully.

"What?" said Bella. "We haven't bitten anybody."

"No, but your bear did," said Sam.

"Oh no," said Carlisle. "Who was it?"

"A pair of poachers. We found their bodies while we were hunting for the bear. Their ID names them Rosencrantz and Guildenstern"

"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead?" asked Bella

"Poachers, you say?" said Carlisle.

Sam nodded. "They had coolers full of bear parts for the black market. We'd actually been looking for them for a while. Their bad luck was that the bear found them first. From the looks of it, they had taken a shot at the bear before it attacked them."

"Did they really?" asked Carlisle. "Then…one could argue the bear was acting in self defence."

"You could," said Sam slowly. "But what difference does that make? The bear still bit them, and shredded them and…"

"Yes, true," said Carlisle, cutting him off. "But our treaty allows that we may defend ourselves if attacked. So if the hunters attacked the bear…"

"I get it… I get it…" grumbled Sam. "I'll have to wait until next time." He turned to leave and spotted Emmett. "So, you made it back, eh, big guy?" he said to Emmett, punching him in the arm. "Maybe you ought to turn a few more bears," said Sam patting his stomach. "They're delicious."

Jacob watched Sam leave. "Carlisle, maybe you should just let me die," he said after Sam was gone.

"Why's that?" asked Carlisle.

"I'll never live this down," he groaned. "Sam'll rub my nose in it forever…. AAAHHH!"

**

"Well, that's that," said Carlisle. He sat himself down on the sofa and put his feet on the coffee table as he reached for the remote. "Another normal week in the life of the Cullen family and friends."

Esme snuggled beside him. "How so?"

"Everyone was in mortal peril, but we all came out of it alright. The vampire world was threatened to be revealed to humans, but wasn't. The Volturi nearly got involved, but didn't. Edward thought he should leave Bella, again, but doesn't. Werewolves come on side to help us out, threaten to throw us out, but we get off on a technicality and everything turns out alright."

"What about romance?" said Esme. "Isn't there usually some romance thrown in?"

"Oh right," said Carlisle. He leaned over and kissed Esme on the cheek. "There you go, dear." He said.

"Thanks," said Esme, dryly.

"Anytime," said Carlisle as he turned on the news.

The newscaster was speaking. "In tonight's top story, an American Navy aircraft carrier was attacked and sunk by a whale." The newscaster paused for a moment. "That can't be right. Has anyone checked this story?"

Carlisle clicked off the television and began rubbing his temples.

"He didn't," said Esme. "He couldn't."

Just then Alice rushed into the room, looking panicked. "Carlisle, Esme, I've just had another vision!"

"Does it involve whales?" asked Esme.

"And possibly the Volturi?" added Carlisle.

Alice, very pale, trembling from head to toe, nodded slowly.

"Perfect. Just perfect," muttered Carlisle. He rubbed his temples some more. This headache seemed to be permanent. "Emmett!" he called. "Oh, Emmett!"

Emmett bounded down the stairs. "Yeah, Carlisle?"

"Emmett, did you by any chance have anything to eat whilst you were out in the ocean?"

"Well, yeah," said Emmett. "I needed something to restore me after the bear hit me, and was dazed and out of it, but just then a big fish swam by, so I had a bite."

"A big fish?" said Carlisle. "How big?"

"Really big," said Emmett. "Huge. You could say it was as big as a…." he paused, struck by what he had been about to say.

"As big as a whale, perhaps?" offered Esme.

"Ummmm….Uh oh," said Emmett.

**Fin.**


End file.
